xoros

Meanie

Maddie — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 19:09:08 +0000

I can be pretty hard on myself sometimes. I still berate myself for things I did nearly twenty years ago. Things that perhaps other people involved barely remember now? Who knows! I’m my own worst judge and jury and I have very little mercy for myself. I should forgive myself such things, especially so long ago.. and so relatively minor. I just don’t like hurting people, ever. Maybe I should try not to hurt myself too, that would be fairer!

If’s and buts about the past serve only to trap us there. Constantly reliving and wondering if we could have done it better. Done my life better. The irony is that by doing so I never do get it right, because I only ever go back and focus on what I think I did wrong. Not what I feel I got right. I can’t undo a decision and slowly beating myself to an emotional standstill over a thing is not going to achieve a different outcome. It might make the one I did choose seem like the wrong one, because I can say “Hey I’m kind of not happy about that!” But am I more unhappy because of what I did then, or because of how I view what I did then, now? Shouldn’t I recognise that the now I do inhabit is a good one and that it deserves my attention? Would any other alternate now be a better one?

It’s impossible to say, regardless I am still left with the simple fact that the past is immutable. What’s more, the me that is now, doing the regretting, only exists because of that past. To seek to change it would be to erase my self. And that’s something I do not want to do.

The only healthy thing to do is forgive myself. Not forget, because these are the things that make me me, just as much as any decision I look back in approval on. I forgive others more easily than myself. But it is not actually so hard, is it? To say “I’m sorry my me, it’s ok to be you”?

And it is ok.

Overthinking Thought

Maddie — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 16:40:56 +0000

Sometimes, despite the fact I spend all day thinking about things and mulling stuff. Or feeling things. When it comes to blogging I don’t want to put it down. Some of it is too private – I’m not particularly into baring my soul in public – some of it I just feel is too random, or pretentious. So it begs the question, who is my blog for? Me? Or people who might stumble on it? Hubris, I tell you!

So I’ve resolved to just write what I want to and think about it less.

Starting next time <.<

Stress Monkey

Maddie — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 15:26:47 +0000

I’m a bit stressed about some things lately. It’s kind of getting to me. I’m nearly out the other side of stressville though! It’s taken a while and not been helped by my support type peeps being very busy and also stressed by their stuffs. Still keep on keeping on eh?

One of my more annoying habits (to me as well as others!) is that the less I feel in control of myself and my own destiny, the more I try and control the world around me. It’s futile, silly and tends to make people annoyed with me. Especially as I am good at hiding the underlying reasons.

Note to self: stop that at once ^^

Theatre

Maddie — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 17:59:47 +0000

Kind of busy again, well sort of, getting work done and keeping stuff together. My partner is currently acting in a play! A version of King ~~Leer~~ Lear. I’ve seen it twice already. For an amateur production I’m slightly blown away by how well it’s been done. It’s a very Flemish thing, amateur theatre. Lots of people do it here. Kind of impressive and one of their plus points I think!

Snow Joke

Maddie — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 13:11:44 +0000

Along with the terrible, terrible post title (I’m so sorry, I’ll hide in embarasment later) here’s a phenomenally terrible bit of a) policing b) lack of neighbourliness and c) appreciation of art and craft:

Via the BBC: New Jersey snow sculpture gets frosty reception

“Police in the US state of New Jersey have ordered a family to cover up their snow sculpture of the famous nude Venus de Milo after a neighbour complained.”

For realz. I mean, go look at the photos? Because if you find a snow figure titlating then you really, really, really have an active and slightly kinky imagination and more power to you? But may I suggest that you not expect everyone else gets turned on by snow boobs because um… they might find you a bit… strange?

And as the snow venus de milo’s maker said:

“the snowy Venus looks “more objectified and sexualised” than it did before the authorities intervened”

I like her! And her snow art tributing ways!

Once More Unto The Breach

New Theme

Maddie — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 17:50:14 +0000

New theme… because… well just because, really. I was doing the updating the blog thing and I was getting bored of the old one. I might tweak this one! It’s always a good way to avoid actually writing on the blog whilst pretending to blog! Also the update failed to destroy said blog, yay! Nervous things, updates.

Spamoddity

Maddie — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 13:10:54 +0000

One of the things about having a blog is the spam. It’s relentless and surreal. Every now and then it is vaguely relevant to what you posted, but on the whole, completely and utterly unrelated. Makes you wonder why anyone bothers? I mean, is it really worth the effort? I guess so or people wouldn’t bother but then, I’m also slightly surprised that anyone would click through a spam message that did get onto blog comments on a blog. Maybe I’m just more paranoid about clicking than most? I don’t know! It foxes me!

PS, my dream spam on this post would be about this kind of spam.

E-Balance

Maddie — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 21:14:16 +0000

Look it’s today and I’m posting again! Good grief, twice in a row. Anyway, I spent ages trying to make one computer work and succeeded fabulously. Then utterly broke another one in ten minutes beyond a simple rescue. Go me! I have achieved e-balance, ftw!

It also made me annoyed at not having disks for everything anymore. I used to horde them just in case. Actually I used to just horde in general, then periodically purge. So… yes, probably good that I don’t now!

Also! It was sunny today! And spring like! At last!

Word Thing

Maddie — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 00:03:42 +0000

I think sometimes I turn the presence of a blog into an obligation.. and then when I am struggling with obligations generally, I react by ignoring my blog and not writing. So… perhaps I should see it as just this thing I put words into sometimes.

Ifs

Maddie — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 15:03:56 +0000

I can think of so many ifs. If this had happened, if that, it I had… if I hadn’t…

The thing is, that if any of these ifs had been different then I may very well not be the same person I am now. And I would have a whole lot of other ifs and maybes and whys. So I think given the choice between those unknown ifs and selves, I would rather stick with the way things panned out. After all, the alternate ifs might be no better, or worse, than the ones I have already.