A Funny Thing
A funny thing, but it’s taken me a long time to adjust to the idea that I pass as cis. I mean, it’s been going on for over a year now but I still don’t expect it. It still surprises me. Not only that but I find I feel guilty towards other trans people who do not pass. So oddly I find myself having very mixed feelings about doing so. On the one hand, it does indeed rock, it’s just… incredibly pleasant to know that people see me. That they aren’t staring at me, well unless I’m out with my partner when they sometimes do stare but then they are staring at the lesbians. Which feels different to me. Actually it feels safer, believe it or not.
But on the other hand it leaves me with vague feelings of disquiet, of having undeserved luck, of not being worthy. It’s something I think that I will get used to with time. I have generally found I have these kinds of feeling about just, well, being happy these days, being able to transition, being able to live my truth and life.
I also feel like I don’t ever want to completely lose that feeling of having something special, because it does feel special, to be able to be seen, for my truth to be recognised and seen.
October 29th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
Wow – you’re back!
I think I can relate to your reaction to this in a sense. As a genderqueer teen I was able to pass simply by virtue of being conventionally attractive, while a friend of mine who was a bit of a late bloomer caught all kinds of shit for the same behaviors and gender nonconformity I generally got away with. It was an early lesson in how we value people, how much mileage you get out of having a body that fits cultural expectations, etc, and it made me feel kind of guilty for getting for free the things that she always ended up paying for.
October 29th, 2009 at 11:08 pm
*grins* maybe <.<
I think that sounds right? Like… it’s based on things I have no control over, is based on being honest to myself so… there is nothing devious or sneaky about it, it just is. But at the same time I feel for those who might not have this, well passing privilege, and I feel bad that I do and other’s don’t. And I still enjoy that I do. Complex!
November 4th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
I’m curious to what extent you feel like “trans” is still part of your identity. This is something I’m grappling with myself, so I don’t pretend to have any answers. But it’s interesting that you say, on the one hand,
And, on the other…
That’s something I’m trying to reconcile – that being trans is also a part of my identity, even though it’s not always the most important part or a part I want to wear on my sleeve. Do you have any thoughts or insights?
November 4th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
Oh good questions Rebecca
Let me see what I can do with them. I still feel trans is a definite and strong part of who I am. But increasingly a subordinate part. Perhaps I can explain with fonts… I am a trans woman. A woman who happens to be a lesbian, who happens to be transgendered and all the other ways I can modulate and define myself with more granularity. Trans feels like a silent syllable in front of woman. It isn’t completely gone because I still deal with dysphoria, but as well as others seeing me, I see me in the mirror all the time, and that makes a huge difference. I still get confronted with it because some of my family struggle with it and push it in my way. But where I am most people don’t. Most of the people around me have gone most of the way to shifting me over into the category female in their minds. It shows in how they act and what they say. On the one hand, yay! On the other, it does make me very aware of how gendered human interactions are. I also find I notice gendering and gender reinforcing, am most sensitive to it and it makes me aware of my own gender transgression.
I don’t think I can ever lose my sense of self as trans. I think that because of my transition choices it is always going to be there when I look at my body, for a start, and because coming to terms with being trans took a big chunk of my life up. It made me who I am now and I don’t want to sweep it under the carpet. It’s part of me, has helped form me. Since I find I like myself as a person now, I don’t want to disown the things that have made that person.
The sense of special is very much one of relief and joy that, the risk I took of seeking to live my truth has on the for the largest part been a risk worth taking. I feel happy I took the risk, happy with where it got me. Almost all my fears proved unfounded and I know that this is not true for everyone. I wouldn’t want to take it for granted. I want to remember what I risked, experienced and achieved and take the good from that into my future, because I think that something only trans people get to experience is gender from more than one side. It’s a rather unique way to have experienced life. If one is reflective and self aware I feel that it can give interesting and important insights. It can be a positive life experience that only some of us get to live. That’s kind of special I think and something I want to keep with me.
I don’t want to reject my transness, I want to own it, not as the defining thing of me, but as an aspect of myself. I think, for me, that is going to be the healthiest path.