A Funny Thing
A funny thing, but it’s taken me a long time to adjust to the idea that I pass as cis. I mean, it’s been going on for over a year now but I still don’t expect it. It still surprises me. Not only that but I find I feel guilty towards other trans people who do not pass. So oddly I find myself having very mixed feelings about doing so. On the one hand, it does indeed rock, it’s just… incredibly pleasant to know that people see me. That they aren’t staring at me, well unless I’m out with my partner when they sometimes do stare but then they are staring at the lesbians. Which feels different to me. Actually it feels safer, believe it or not.
But on the other hand it leaves me with vague feelings of disquiet, of having undeserved luck, of not being worthy. It’s something I think that I will get used to with time. I have generally found I have these kinds of feeling about just, well, being happy these days, being able to transition, being able to live my truth and life.
I also feel like I don’t ever want to completely lose that feeling of having something special, because it does feel special, to be able to be seen, for my truth to be recognised and seen.
