Selfphobia
Ok so this is kind of a tricky post to write. Not least as I’m going to write about something I’m really not very proud of, and about something that is quite painful to admit.
I’ve been realising that I carry about some internalised transphobia, some fear and aversion to trans people, including my own self. I had the opportunity on Friday to go to a trans women’s meeting. I made excuses, I got nervous. I didn’t go. As I did that I knew and, later I owned up to myself, that the real reason was that I was scared of being faced with trans women who might not ‘pass’, who might affect how I see myself, who would confront me with my trans nature.
I have avoided meeting or talking to other trans women, I’ve been critical and judgemental about them based entirely on making myself feel good about how I’m so normal, how I’m so damn cis adjusted for a trans woman. What crap! I am a trans woman, I’m not cis, I can never be cis. I’m in no position to judge and certainly not to make me feel safer and less other, to make myself feel smug and happy.
Now I’m angry, I’m angry with myself for all the times I have belittled trans people when talking to cis people, in order to make myself fit in better with them, I’m angry at myself for having used this bullshit against myself and against other trans people. Most of all I’m just angry that transphobia pushed me into denial and then when I did get out of that, it pushed me to still not fully accept myself or to accept those who would support and understand me best.
I want to write that I’m a trans woman and proud. I reject the idea that I or any other trans person is less capable, less sane, less worth while than anyone else, just because of being trans. I shall not give in to the predjudice that is thrown at us and turn it on myself and others in order to build a false sense of feeling OK with myself. No more.
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:21 pm
[...] having a sleepless phase at the moment. Partly I think to do with money worries, partly I have some stuff I’m working through and it is uncomfy thinking and it’s [...]
April 28th, 2009 at 4:28 am
I think this is a very important and difficult insight. Autophobias are insidious things. And at their foundation, they all reflect our own insecurities. It’s hard to admit to such a thing as lack of selfrespect. So much easier to say, “My, I’m so very respectable, in contrast to these lesser beings.” So Mattie, I salute.
April 29th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
They also have an annoying habit of being their own camouflage I think. Realising you are doing this means recognising with greater clarity the very aspect of yourself you are avoiding perhaps?